Never try to heal your partner. There is a very important principle in intimate relationships: the one who suffers changes. So let’s talk about relationships today. Many people may not understand, right? He causes me pain, why doesn’t he change? The answer is simple: because the one who suffers is you. He is not suffering, so how can he change? We often think that the pain in intimate relationships is caused by our partners, and that if they change, the pain will disappear. Therefore, many people always try to heal or change their partners, but you should know that if you feel pain because of something he did, he may not care at all. For example, if your partner is lazy and not ambitious, this is essentially his own issue. If he is satisfied enough, he will change. In other words, you are worrying about something that he himself does not worry about, so you will feel very exhausted. Moreover, many people think that the one who is wrong should change. But in fact, I tell you, the one who is wrong usually does not have the ability to change. You should know that change requires ability. When we think our partner has a problem and needs us to help heal them, we unconsciously place ourselves in a higher position and put the other person in a lower position. We think we are the ones who save you, so you should listen to me. I tell you, he will form a great confrontation with you because no one likes to be blamed or controlled. So you must know that your partner’s hurt comes from his original family, his upbringing, authority expectations, and his personal experiences. If you want to heal his pain, then you are too narcissistic. You want to be his parents from his original family, but you are not his parents, right? Your partner’s needs require him to be his own parent because he has grown up, and his parents can’t help anymore, so you should not cross the line either. So you see, seemingly relationships are all about dealing with things, but in fact, they are all about dealing with feelings and emotions. I will repeat this sentence, which is very important: seemingly living life, but in fact, it is all about dealing with feelings and emotions. Yet many times we do not deal with our own feelings and emotions, but we desperately deal with the appearances, behaviors, and rights and wrongs outside of those feelings and emotions. Such conflicts and internal consumption between the two parties will completely destroy the relationship. You should know that when you meet together, most of the time, it is not that the two people are clean and pure, like a bowl of clear water. Instead, both parties bring a lot of their own life experiences, original families, upbringing relationships, personal experiences, and traumatic events. Then the two people meet. Have you ever imagined that the life backgrounds of the two of you are different, the original families are different, the education levels are different, the mental models are different, the cognitive systems are different, the value systems are different, and even the tastes of the food you eat are different, and then you form a family. At this time, a very important phenomenon in psychology will appear, which we call the power consciousness. Let me tell you about power consciousness, which is two words: dominate. I must take back my rights, I can’t let myself suffer in this relationship, I can’t suffer losses in this relationship. Because my mother told me, my subconscious thinks so. So in this process, I must implement my rights, and then I must dominate you, dominate you to take back my rights, control you, and tell you that I am right. But there is a problem here, he is also thinking this way. When the other party is also thinking this way, the conflict between you will continue to escalate, and what communication is there? All communication is to find evidence to prove that I am right, and then to extinguish you, right? I tell you, if you want to alleviate this conflict, unless a miracle happens, that is, the one who suffers changes. So you see, we are probably unable to heal our partners, we can only heal ourselves. When your partner has no intention and no preparation, you make choices for him and ask him to change, I tell you, it will be very difficult. What we can do is only three points. The first point is to lower expectations, lower expectations for the other party. If you have expectations, then you expect yourself, expect yourself to get better, healthier, more relaxed, and more affluent. To observe your own relationship patterns, see what you have gained and what you have lost, and what you can do to compensate, heal, and nourish yourself. The second is to establish boundaries with him. You see, many people are unhappy, and the people around them cannot be happy either. But you should know that if you are unhappy, do you have to cry with me? So at this time, you should learn a technique, you should see what is my business, what is his business, and what is God’s business. How many people are troubled by things that cannot be changed every day. If you do not clarify these boundaries in life, you will live in a very miserable suffering. The third point is to return the sense of value to yourself. You should know that in front of your partner, he always feels very bad about himself. You always feel that you have no value, because he will extinguish all your sense of value and existence. Because he will say, you are so bad, you are really terrible, you are not good to me. Then you will feel that I have worked so hard, and you still treat me like this. At this time, you should be clear about one thing, love is not mutual compensation, but self-growth. So if you want to manage a good intimate relationship, a very important secret is that each person is responsible for their own growth issues, and each person is responsible for healing their own childhood trauma. His change is not to meet your needs, and your change is not to meet his needs. We all just want to stop suffering, do you understand?
